Wednesday, 4 May 2011

A dose of self-pity...

Like with everything else this year, things have changed so much, and yet I feel like I haven't actually moved anywhere. In the three or so months since my last post, I've been turned away from every application I've submitted (job wise and PhD wise) and I feel like I've spent all my time in a hospital waiting room.

Why? Well, you never realize how much you value your health, or indeed someone else's until something happens. Somebody close to me in my family was diagnosed with angina, as well as having a repeat of labryinthitis. Two things that really do not work well together. Many hospital tests, medications, Doctors appointments, operational procedures on the horizon and what looks to be a lifetime of continuing in such a manner, I suddenly realized how fragile life is and how much I take for granted. The idea of losing this person is horrifying to me, and I never realized before exactly how much I depend upon them for the support that they provide me, no matter how large or small it may be at the time. I know that such a condition (indeed, conditions) can be treated and managed all without issue, but there is the irrational part of myself that sits here and can only ponder as to whether the reason that I have not been able to secure a job or any other form of work related attachment is down to the fact that I will be needed far more urgently, and for much more serious an issue, than simply paid work.

I try to stay positive; I try to look around and value what I have - the endless opportunity to be with this person and bask in their presence, but at the end of the day I still find myself frustrated at the uncertainties and the non-progression that seems to be happening in my life. It could be worse - I tell myself - there are so many more that have so much less than I do, yet this never seems to quite fulfil the empty feeling deep within.

Bitterness is never a pleasant emotion or feeling to have, nor one that is particularly attractive in the eyes of others, and yet I fear that I am being swamped by such things.

Hope; Belief; Faith; Trust - amicable traits that I wish I could channel more of at this moment...

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